Reading Books: The Rules.

* Warning: this post will contain hypocrisy, contradiction and unscientific, muddled thinking. Back away from the computer right now, mister, unless you're happy to read compromised ramblings*

Amazingly, some shallow people apparently read books to make them look clever. Or, to be more accurate, some people buy books to look clever, but never get round to reading them.

This was in the news weeks ago. The time-lag between then and now may give you a rather good idea why I was never the hottest journalist on the block. But you may have missed the story yourself. It's right up there with Science Dull And Hard, Say Students on the Wyndham-patented Knock Me Sideways Spectrum-o-meter. In fact, it's a story of such staggering banality that it appears to have disappeared without trace on several highly-regarded news sites.

The days when I did that kind of thing, buying stuff to look clever, have long gone. At about the age of 30 I realised that life was way too precious to bother spending time attempting to appear cleverer than the next person, or even being clever, which is why you'll never find me clutching a copy of John Banville's Booker-prize winning The Sea any time in the near future.That's not to say I won't read any of the Booker shortlist, I certainly will, but the decision will be based, hopefully, on concepts of content, choice and experience.

On a similiar note, nor will you find me down the ICA watching bollocks arty films, which is the kind of thing I occasionally did as a student. But, if you're offering, I'm perfectly happy to hang out at the bar with all the other ponces, if you can lend me a pair of preposterous glasses.

However, I am a book-snob in many ways. Everyone has habits they fall into, little neuroses that eventually rule their lives, and I'm about to reveal to you, if you have the time, my own shabby rules that I always follow when reading a book in public or, indeed, private. I hope I'm not alone in having certain unpleasant and stereotyping predilections, thus:

Book covers. Don't judge a book by its cover has got to be one of the most-laughingly naïve idioms ever because we all do it. I will never, in a public place, read a book which has a spaceship on the cover, or a planet surrounded by an asteroid belt;or a barbarian with a big sword, or a dragon flying over a futuristic city which has been terraformed, or whatever they call it.

I'll avoid anything which has the author's name or title embossed in silver or gold, in that big jagged font. I will never, everread a book with the words: Now A Major Motion Picture/TV series on it, or a picture of one of the stars, Julia Roberts, or whoever, gawping away on the front. Luckily, that means Narnia is currently off-limits to me at the moment, so there's little chance I will become a christian any time soon.

Subject matter: I'm constantly amazed and befuddled by people who, quite blatantly, as if it was the most-normal thing in the world, step onto public transport and pull out a Dr Who, or Star Trek, or Star Wars novelisation. I may not read books to make myself look clever but I don't going out of my way to make myself look fucking stupid. These people, if they are adults, are usually unpleasant to look at and I apologise wholeheartedly if any of my readers have unkempt beards, greasy hair, awful clothes, are hideously overweight, and are happy to read this kind of nonsense in public - and I include the ladies in that. Let's be clear: I like science-fiction as much as the next manchild. I didn't, after all, call my blog The Manderley Diaries, Mr Rochester's Rants or Bloom's Burblings, but there are limits.

I will never read a fantasy book, particularly those which feature little people with unique ears; or men with large swords, steady, or comely ladies with big swords, steady. I will not read these if they are stand-alone novels or long-running series. You know the kind of thing: The Chronicles Of Captain Feathersword. I'm sorry, I know I'm alienating half of the internet here, but it has to be said.

I will read just about anything else.

Accessories: Never use a leather bookmark, particularly those ones with tassels you find at museums, it's just so Saga. Use a postcard or something. Or - hold onto your hats ladies and gentlemen - bend the page over to mark your place. But not if it's a hardback, that would be a kind of sacrilege, just don't ask me why.

And what do you think you're doing, putting a plastic cover on a paperback. I thought I was anal. What the hell, I saw one guy on the tube today who was so worried he was going to break the spine of his Sidney Sheldon that he could barely open the book. Madness.

One at a time, please: And, finally, there's a novelist of little repute who lives down our way. Occasionally, I'm at a cafe with Dexter and he's there, and he's got three books neatly stacked on the table in front of him. Three. Every time. Neatly stacked. That's showing off - he can only read one at a time, why does he need three? And the thing is, he never seems to read any of them, he sits reading the paper. This weekend I'm going to go there, I'm going to take Dexter, and I'm going with four books. And I'm going to put them on the table in front of me, neatly stacked, and I'm going to watch the world go by. It's war.

My day is near!